Since last weekend our preparations for the Etape the Tour have made a dramatic change: Cycling Dave (as we call him) has come into the picture as our personal trainer! And dear me, this guy doens't mock about! It's like being part of that war movie Full Metal Jacket, only Dave doesn't only say things like 'I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fuckin' seconds, to wipe that stupid lookin' grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!' like that Sgt Hartman in the movie, I've got a funny feeling he actually will!!
When we innocently asked for his advice last weekend, he looked us in the eyes and asked us if we 'cunts' were serious about the etape and worth his time... Obviously, scared shitless as we were, we said yes! And there's no way back now.
While we thought, at the start of all this, that we could get away with doing a bit of cycling on a sunday morning and maybe drink a few pints less in preparation for the Etape, now we are involved in Dave's private military training camp. The roads are our killing fields, the bikes are our machine guns, I'm even listening to Slayer again on my iPod to fuel the adrenalin necessary to survive all this. My favourite song 'Reign in Blood' seems all about Dave these days!
Over the next three months our world will be that of Body Mass Indexes, the 6 (war)zones, surviving on fruit alone and checking the colour of our blood red piss every morning! Still, they say cycling is all about 'the Art of Suffering' and that you will learn to appreciate it at some point. There's no room for mercy anymore, we are becoming cyclists!
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